https://www.instagram.com/connectoncommute/?hl=en
(First, go check out @connectoncommute on instagram. I take a picture with the people I meet everyday. I’m challenging myself to meet 2 new people everyday until college graduation May 27th 2021. This is about 1,392 people.)
We have all been there. Walking down the street during our lunch break, getting to our next class of the day or going to the grocery store: you see someone interesting, someone you want to talk to. You notice they stand out in some wonderful way. They are attractive or they are playing a unique instrument or they have cool hair or they are a distinguished professor you’ve been waiting to talk to. You think about approaching them, giving them a compliment or saying hello. You think to yourself: how awesome it would be to connect with them on some level – to share a little positive energy and have it be reciprocated or to make a new connection….but…
BOOM
Hell no. The ego pulls you back down from the clouds and to Earth. The rumination begins: “I can’t talk to her, she’s out of my league!” “Professor x doesn’t even know me! He has more important things to do than talk to me” “What if the guy with cool hair ignores my compliment” “What if I bother the people around me” “What if I get totally rejected” What if, what if, what if, it goes on and on and on. Your stomach is dropping and the butterflies are fluttering. The opportunity slips through your hands. The moment fades and you go about your day. You have to live with yourself knowing you “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve” but you didn’t. It sucks. I know. We’ve all experienced some version of it. It’s happened to me too many times to count and I’m tired of it…This situation can be explained through Leon Festinger’s Cognitive Dissonance theory.
“According to cognitive dissonance theory, there is a tendency for individuals to seek consistency among their cognitions (i.e., beliefs, opinions). When there is an inconsistency between attitudes or behaviors (dissonance), something must change to eliminate the dissonance. In the case of a discrepancy between attitudes and behavior, it is most likely that the attitude will change to accommodate the behavior.” (https://www.simplypsychology.org/cognitive-dissonance.html)
Your initial, kindhearted impulse is to communicate is your thought/belief. Your mind recognizes you didn’t act on that belief and comes up with a million excuses as to why it “would’ve been a bad idea anyway.” Maintaining the current image we have of ourselves is fundamental to our psychology. We might think we are intimidatingly attractive, bold, funny or sociable. However, when we lack the courage to talk to a stranger during our everyday lives, the dissonance between our thoughts and actions grows and grows. Eventually we find more reasons to not approach instead of approaching. At this point the ego has won and we submit to it’s demands.
What I propose is a different way. I say control the ego…no…rebel against it. Don’t trust its lies of grandeur. You are not its slave. You can be who you want to be and talk who you want to talk to. If you’re afraid of approaching, the fear is not coming from you, it’s coming from your ego. Say hello, flash that smile, make that compliment, or wave your hand. If not for your sake, share the love for their sake. Last year there was a Ted Talk given by Aaron Stark. He was a high school student on his way to committing a school shooting when his friend asked him if he wanted to hang out. He said it was this one simple act of love that changed his life forever. We do not know what is going on in the minds of those around us. That person sitting next to you on the train today could be going through a tough time. Maybe your smile, maybe your compliment could brighten their day. Even just a little bit. That is our choice. We can choose to bring love and positivity into the world, something I know we all have the capability to do and something, deep down, I know we all want to do.
As children most of us approached others. We had an unbounded curiosity to talk to others. We longed for recess when we could go outside, play and explore. If we failed at something we wouldn’t dwell…we would try harder. We didn’t give up. We smiled at each other. What happened? Are we really any different than a child? What makes the adult’s outlook on the world any better than the child’s? Below are the lyrics to Arcade Fire’s song “Wake Up.” It’s a very special song to me.
[Verse 1]
Something filled up
My heart with nothing
Someone told me not to cry
But now that I’m older
My heart’s colder
And I can see that it’s a lie
[Verse 2]
Children, wake up
Hold your mistake up
Before they turn the summer into dust
If the children don’t grow up
Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up
We’re just a million little gods causing rain storms
Turning every good thing to rust
I guess we’ll just have to adjust
“Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.”
We must take back what we once had as children. We must reclaim our boundless self expression, our disregard for traditional thinking. We must talk to each other. We must see how we are doing. We must ask, inquire, share, and give. For some reason modern society looks down upon this. It’s wishful, “hippie” thinking. That is too bad. After meeting 20 people the last few days I can assure you there is nothing “hippie” about it. It’s human. For me the initial approaches were the hardest. I was getting in my own way, too in my head, and thinking about what I could extract from the conversation instead of what I could give. People are good at sensing this and I was met with the most resistance. However, each interaction got a little easier as I began worrying less about what I looked like or how I sounded. I tried to remind myself to listen when I felt the urge to interject. That was really helpful. I noticed a few patterns:
- People are waiting to be talked to. They are waiting to share what they are about, what they love, how they are feeling or what projects they are working on. If you have a passion, it’s highly likely that stranger over there has one too.
- If you smile big at someone, like you really care, they will return it 9 times out of ten
- Confidence is a snowball effect. The hardest part of cultivating it is the beginning
- The brain is irrational. It thinks of the absolute worse scenario first and convinces you that that will happen. The absolute worse scenario, rarely happen. Last weekend there was a group of 10 or so friends sitting on the grass near my friends apartment complex. They were laughing hysterically and vibing. I thought they would look at me weird if I came and sat in the circle but boy I was wrong. As soon as I sat down they welcomed me, asked my name, and filled me in on the joke. The moral of the story is my mind had expectations about the world that turned out to be completely false.
- People want someone to listen – to really listen to them
- You receive what you give.
- Giving is fun
My advice to you and myself is to just approach. I guarantee you will be happy you did. Escape the trappings of cognitive dissonance and choose congruence. This is easier said than done and is one hell of a work in progress. That’s why I’m challenging myself to do it a little each day. If there is somebody you think needs a smile or a small act of kindness be the one to give it to them! You will be happy you did and so will they. Being rejected isn’t fun but it comes with the territory of meeting new people. If someone looks at you weird or snarks at you, chances are they are just projecting. How could they really be mad at you? They don’t know you. If they knew you they wouldn’t respond that way. It is not your fault and you should not feel guilty or angry like they “did you wrong.” In theory no one has to say anything back to you. It’s not anyone’s obligation to respond to you or smile back. However, because most people are good and can spot someone who cares about them, these negative experiences are few and far between. Sometimes people just need a lift up.
Blake Evertsen 