What I learned from my talk at HubWeek

What is HubWeek?

I was scrolling on instagram this summer doing the usual content consumption: scroll like, scroll like, stalk a profile for 7 minutes then go back to scrolling. Suddenly a colorful ad for “HubWeek” comes up in the feed.

I click on it, and explore the site. I’m blown away. I didn’t even know these types of events existed…At this point in the summer ConnectOnCommute was just launched. I figured I might have a story to tell if I could frame it the right way. In the end I thought people could get value from it.

So, I email the coordinators and asked to speak. They sent an email back to me with an application for community members interested in speaking. I spent a few hours crafting my application. I sent it in and about a week later I was accepted!

If you want to get into speaking, find out what you’re passionate about, look for engagements and apply. It can literally be a google search and email away.

I never imagined I’d get such an incredible opportunity to tell people what I’m about.

If you are at all interested in speaking, look for events, email coordinators and let people know what you’re passionate about. I’m making a goal to do more of this.

This was my first time speaking in front of an audience. How would it go? What would I say? Was I even qualified? Was my topic engaging? What would people think? These were all relevant questions with relevant answers. I mean, I could have thought of a million reasons to not do it (and I did). But this time I chose to do something different. I said “screw it” and dove in. I prepared pretty much all night before and was still extremely nervous on stage. But as I sit here and reflect I reminded of the following:

We all have to start somewhere, and doing something is better than nothing at all. Start small so you don’t get discouraged and give up. Remember it is all about consistency.

Khloe Kardashian

We’re swayed by illusions of grandeur. Those that are better than us or more accomplished can be threatening. This is natural. But they too had to start somewhere. Thanks Khloe.

It’s never easy getting up in front of people a lot of people. No amount of practice can set you up for the perfect talk. It will be scary the first time (it was for me). The important part is putting yourself in the situation, realizing that you’re okay in the end and learning from your mistakes.

What did I even talk about?

1. Starting college: “Many weekends I’d spend insulated in my room, scared to venture out and explore Cambridge and Boston scared to go on adventures. And yet I’d see some of my class-mates had this adventurous, carefree and extroverted spirit. I was jealous of their ability to connect.” 
2. How college is a new tribe moment: “Students come from diverse backgrounds. In the beginning they can feel out of their waters.  They leave behind past communities, (ones often forged for 18 years) in exchange for a new one. This transition, although profoundly opportunistic, can be scary.”
3. How we can build our tribe: “Taking the time to notice those immediately around us – on the train, on the bus, walking to work, in the elevator etc. and act on that curiosity is what I want ConnectOnCommute to be about. The world is our playground and we all have the power learn from others.”

The benefits of talking to strangers: One of my slides from the talk. I make all my content from Venngage – a content creation platform. Definitely check it out if you need cool looking stuff.

What did I learn?

• If you are speaking about something you’re passionate about, realize that your fear is illogical. The people listening want to know about you. They want you to do your best. They wouldn’t be there listening if they didn’t care. In the public speaking course I’m in right now, my professor emphasizes this.
• I need to build more WIIFM. It means “What’s In It For Me?” It’s what they audience is thinking. Why does this matter to them? I also got this from class. Yes it’s a simple concept but it requires such a mental . shift. I see it as a form of empathy. Will always be a work in progress.
• I love performing. I used to dance a lot as a kid. I kind of lost that spontaneity for a while. Now, I feel it coming back. For me, putting on a show is fun because it is also scary. Isn’t it the best feeling when you conquer a fear? Think back to your most memorable moments on this Earth. I bet adversity is embedded in there somewhere.
• I need to work on my hand motions. This one is funny. Sometimes when we’re scared the natural tendency is to lack movement. I’m the opposite – I do too much. My hands get into this sort of rolling motion that pairs with everything I say. Again, this just comes from nervousness and can be worked on.
• Breath. The weirdest thing occurred on stage: I had no air in my lungs! Everything felt really tight and I was afraid to slow down my voice . It got better as I went on, but the first 10 minutes we’re pretty brutal.
• Get conversational. Stever Robbins, a friend of mine gave me a helpful pointer. When he goes up on stage, first, he gets situated in his spot. Then, he looks to the very back corner of room, and does a zig zag scan all through the crowd all the way up to the front. A few seconds have passed, he’s got everyone’s attention, and now he can channel the energy of the room. You’re tricking your brain to think it’s talking to one person. I’m at ease when talking to one person. I feel most comfortable. There’s really no reason why it should change with a lot of people. Again, this will just take practice.

In all, this event was a turning point for me. It reopened my world to the art of performance, story telling, staying calm under pressure. Most of all it reminded me of this: get your foot in the door (even if unprepared,) and then figure out how you’re going to deliver.

I like getting rejected – What I’ve learned after meeting 104 new people in 30 days.

Society tells us rejection is “bad.” Life is filled with our attempts to persuade others and avoid rejection. To “get the job” you send in a resume, get interviewed and put your best foot forward all in hopes of persuading an employer. To ask a guy or girl out, you must persuade them to want to see you. To say hi to someone on the street, you have to persuade them to want to say hi back. To get into the college of your choice, you have to persuade the admissions committee to accept you. Successful attempts at persuasion are venerated in society while unsuccessful attempts are not. When we achieve goals we set out to accomplish, we gain personal satisfaction and reverence from others. When we get rejected we feel we’ve “failed” because we did not receive these things. The failure can eat us up inside. We “didn’t live up to the expectations” of our parents and friends. We “dropped the ball.” We “sucked,” “didn’t prepare enough,” we “tried too hard,” we “bothered another person person by asking.”

He was listening to music in his car when I started dancing to it from across the street.

Rejection has been my greatest teacher during ConnectOnCommute. Approaching someone new to get a conversation going from nothing isn’t the easiest thing to do. Out of the hundreds of people I’ve said hi to on the street, a handful look at me like I’m crazy. Out of the hundreds of people I’ve approached, a handful have been mean. Some people simply want to be left alone and that’s totally okay. People owe me nothing and it’s narrow minded of me to expect a positive response. That’s why I’m beginning to frame rejection in a new light. That is, what can I learn from each “unsuccessful” conversation (ie. averted eyes, ignoring, “no thank you”)? Here are some (very) brief thoughts that of what I’m exploring in my book.

This hack happens before you ever set foot in the room. Research shows that “power poses” can actually trick your brain into feeling more confident, resulting in easier conversation and a more poised demeanor. What this entails is standing up tall and raising your fists in the air, or taking up space by putting your hands on your hips. Do this for 30 seconds to a minute, and you’ll walk into that room feeling naturally more confident.

Jayson DeMers

Making new friends near the T.

1. Approach the right way. Above is a hack for gaining instant confidence. When I was new to this I approached people in a rushed, nervous manner, thinking of all the ways the interaction could go wrong instead of right. Before I even got close enough to talk to the person, my mind had already assumed rejection was coming. Humans pick up on this. If you approach thinking you will get rejected, you will probably get rejected. We are our own self fulfilling prophecies. That’s the mental side of things. On the physical side of things, confidence is everything. If you are confident in your approach people will see that. If you don’t feel confident your approach people will see that.
2. Offer good energy. This goes back to “us as our own self-fulfilling prophecies.” People mirror each-other’s behaviors. Behaviors come from our thoughts we can control our thoughts. People like happy people.
3. Don’t take yourself seriously. People love seeing smiles, dancing and self amusement. Nothing is a big deal. Being “in public” is like being on a playground as a kid. You might fall or get hurt, but that comes with the territory.
4. Get your mind off of the outcome. Stop worrying about wether or not someone will like you. Be respectfully yourself and people can take it or leave it.
5. Maintaining empathy. “People owe me nothing but I know I can offer them value and brighten their day if they allow me to.” This one is big. Where I’ve struggled is maintaining empathy when I get rejected. What has helped is letting go of the want for a positive response – letting go of the need for the conversation to go the way I want it to go.
6. Fail forward. Getting rejected is an opportunity to figure out what I did wrong so I can fix it next time I approach someone.
7. Today’s rejections feel bad in the moment but are contributing to a better, more resilient version of yourself later on.

Sacrifice what you are for what you will become

Eric Thomas

He had a great voice so I told him.

Simply put, getting rejected can be “fun” because it forces me out of my comfort zone, challenges my ego, and grounds me to the present.

Just Approach! What I’ve learned after meeting 20 new people in 5 days.

https://www.instagram.com/connectoncommute/?hl=en

(First, go check out @connectoncommute on instagram. I take a picture with the people I meet everyday. I’m challenging myself to meet 2 new people everyday until college graduation May 27th 2021. This is about 1,392 people.)

• 

We have all been there. Walking down the street during our lunch break, getting to our next class of the day or going to the grocery store: you see someone interesting, someone you want to talk to. You notice they stand out in some wonderful way. They are attractive or they are playing a unique instrument or they have cool hair or they are a distinguished professor you’ve been waiting to talk to. You think about approaching them, giving them a compliment or saying hello. You think to yourself: how awesome it would be to connect with them on some level – to share a little positive energy and have it be reciprocated or to make a new connection….but…

BOOM

Hell no. The ego pulls you back down from the clouds and to Earth. The rumination begins: “I can’t talk to her, she’s out of my league!” “Professor x doesn’t even know me! He has more important things to do than talk to me” “What if the guy with cool hair ignores my compliment” “What if I bother the people around me” “What if I get totally rejected” What if, what if, what if, it goes on and on and on. Your stomach is dropping and the butterflies are fluttering. The opportunity slips through your hands. The moment fades and you go about your day. You have to live with yourself knowing you “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve” but you didn’t. It sucks. I know. We’ve all experienced some version of it. It’s happened to me too many times to count and I’m tired of it…This situation can be explained through Leon Festinger’s Cognitive Dissonance theory.

“According to cognitive dissonance theory, there is a tendency for individuals to seek consistency among their cognitions (i.e., beliefs, opinions). When there is an inconsistency between attitudes or behaviors (dissonance), something must change to eliminate the dissonance. In the case of a discrepancy between attitudes and behavior, it is most likely that the attitude will change to accommodate the behavior.” (https://www.simplypsychology.org/cognitive-dissonance.html)

Your initial, kindhearted impulse is to communicate is your thought/belief. Your mind recognizes you didn’t act on that belief and comes up with a million excuses as to why it “would’ve been a bad idea anyway.” Maintaining the current image we have of ourselves is fundamental to our psychology. We might think we are intimidatingly attractive, bold, funny or sociable. However, when we lack the courage to talk to a stranger during our everyday lives, the dissonance between our thoughts and actions grows and grows. Eventually we find more reasons to not approach instead of approaching. At this point the ego has won and we submit to it’s demands.

What I propose is a different way. I say control the ego…no…rebel against it. Don’t trust its lies of grandeur. You are not its slave. You can be who you want to be and talk who you want to talk to. If you’re afraid of approaching, the fear is not coming from you, it’s coming from your ego. Say hello, flash that smile, make that compliment, or wave your hand. If not for your sake, share the love for their sake. Last year there was a Ted Talk given by Aaron Stark. He was a high school student on his way to committing a school shooting when his friend asked him if he wanted to hang out. He said it was this one simple act of love that changed his life forever. We do not know what is going on in the minds of those around us. That person sitting next to you on the train today could be going through a tough time. Maybe your smile, maybe your compliment could brighten their day. Even just a little bit. That is our choice. We can choose to bring love and positivity into the world, something I know we all have the capability to do and something, deep down, I know we all want to do.

As children most of us approached others. We had an unbounded curiosity to talk to others. We longed for recess when we could go outside, play and explore. If we failed at something we wouldn’t dwell…we would try harder. We didn’t give up. We smiled at each other. What happened? Are we really any different than a child? What makes the adult’s outlook on the world any better than the child’s? Below are the lyrics to Arcade Fire’s song “Wake Up.” It’s a very special song to me.

[Verse 1]
Something filled up
My heart with nothing
Someone told me not to cry
But now that I’m older
My heart’s colder
And I can see that it’s a lie

[Verse 2]
Children, wake up
Hold your mistake up
Before they turn the summer into dust
If the children don’t grow up
Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up
We’re just a million little gods causing rain storms
Turning every good thing to rust
I guess we’ll just have to adjust

[Outro]
With my lightning bolts a glowing
I can see where I am going to be
When the reaper he reaches and touches my hand
With my lightning bolts a glowing
I can see where I am going
With my lightning bolts a glowing
I can see where I am go-going
You better look out below!

“Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.”

We must take back what we once had as children. We must reclaim our boundless self expression, our disregard for traditional thinking. We must talk to each other. We must see how we are doing. We must ask, inquire, share, and give. For some reason modern society looks down upon this. It’s wishful, “hippie” thinking. That is too bad. After meeting 20 people the last few days I can assure you there is nothing “hippie” about it. It’s human. For me the initial approaches were the hardest. I was getting in my own way, too in my head, and thinking about what I could extract from the conversation instead of what I could give. People are good at sensing this and I was met with the most resistance. However, each interaction got a little easier as I began worrying less about what I looked like or how I sounded. I tried to remind myself to listen when I felt the urge to interject. That was really helpful. I noticed a few patterns:

• People are waiting to be talked to. They are waiting to share what they are about, what they love, how they are feeling or what projects they are working on. If you have a passion, it’s highly likely that stranger over there has one too.
• If you smile big at someone, like you really care, they will return it 9 times out of ten
• Confidence is a snowball effect. The hardest part of cultivating it is the beginning
• The brain is irrational. It thinks of the absolute worse scenario first and convinces you that that will happen. The absolute worse scenario, rarely happen. Last weekend there was a group of 10 or so friends sitting on the grass near my friends apartment complex. They were laughing hysterically and vibing. I thought they would look at me weird if I came and sat in the circle but boy I was wrong. As soon as I sat down they welcomed me, asked my name, and filled me in on the joke. The moral of the story is my mind had expectations about the world that turned out to be completely false.
• People want someone to listen – to really listen to them
• You receive what you give.
• Giving is fun

My advice to you and myself is to just approach. I guarantee you will be happy you did. Escape the trappings of cognitive dissonance and choose congruence. This is easier said than done and is one hell of a work in progress. That’s why I’m challenging myself to do it a little each day. If there is somebody you think needs a smile or a small act of kindness be the one to give it to them! You will be happy you did and so will they. Being rejected isn’t fun but it comes with the territory of meeting new people. If someone looks at you weird or snarks at you, chances are they are just projecting. How could they really be mad at you? They don’t know you. If they knew you they wouldn’t respond that way. It is not your fault and you should not feel guilty or angry like they “did you wrong.” In theory no one has to say anything back to you. It’s not anyone’s obligation to respond to you or smile back. However, because most people are good and can spot someone who cares about them, these negative experiences are few and far between. Sometimes people just need a lift up.

The Law of Attraction

For the past two weeks I’ve been reading Money and the Law of Attraction by Esther and Jerry Hicks.  It has had a profound effect on me. I’d like to share some passages that resonate with me:

• “The Law of Attraction says that which is like unto itself, is drawn.  In other words that which you think, in any moment, attracts unto itself other thoughts that are like it.  Thus, in a very short period of time, upon any subject that you ponder very long, you attract enough supporting data that is does bring forth the essence of the subject of the thought in your experience.”

• “All people, circumstances, events, and situations are attracted to you by the power of the thoughts you are thinking.”
• “Your thoughts contain an enormous creative, attractive power that you harness effectively only by consistenly offering good-feeling thoughts. When your thoughts constantly move back and forth between wanted and unwanted, pros and cons, pluses and minuses–you loose the benefits of the momentum of your pure, postive thought.”

• “A belief is only a thought you continue to think, and when your beliefs match your desires, then your desires must become your reality.  Nothing stands between you and anything that you desire other than your own patterns of thought.  Nothing in your physcial body responds as quickly as your own physical body to yoru patterns of thought.”

I have a dense, ruminative tendency.  One simple, harmless thought of “a chemistry test in a week” can quickly spiral into self judgement.  These spirling thoughts often times arn’t even logical.  If I’ve studied hard for a test the protective ego will creep back in and say “you have not studied enough,” or “everyone is smarter than you,” “don’t screw it up” etc.  The negative thinking, catasphripizing mind is a product of our evolution.  It thinks, judges, reflects, and amplifies constantly. An ability to amplify thoughts, especially negative ones, gave us an ability to avoid the worst possible situation before it happened: predation, starvation, intergroup conflict, death. In school and running it’s fundamentally maladaptive to think too much. One could say I’m thinking too much about “thinking to much” by writing about it. However I feel it’s important to recognize the behavior and call it out. Left unchecked, constant rumination will run its course and make easy tasks harder for no reason. I want to curtail this behavior(:

This is why I love the Law of Attraction – it offers a a solution: instead of blaming the hyperactive mind why not harness it for good? Instead of negative thoughts I can choose positive thoughts. I get the opportunity to control what I think about everyday I wake up. Before reading this book I never fully recognized this power and thus never valued it in this way.

I will continue to challenge myself to think better thoughts – thoughts about what I want to happen instead of what I don’t want to happen! It’s a simple concept yes but it works.

I love sunsets!

My Gratitude Journal

Every morning I write a 3-5 things I’m grateful for.  I started doing this about 2 months ago.  Before, I wrote on notecards that I’d stack into a box.  Recently my amazing mom bought me this nifty journal. These things can range from experiences, new people I’ve met, opportunites, coincidences, teachers, or basic elements of daily life.   Here are some recent entries:

Thursday 2/27

“I get to study hard today and work towards acheiving my academic goals”

Friday 3/1

“I get the opportunity to study at an amazing university, surround myself with highly motivated, unique and passionate individuals.  I get the opportunity to engage and learn from professors and graduate students who love what they do.  I get these opportunites.  How will I make the most of them?”

Saturday 3/2

“the power of my thought. I get to choose how I feel, I get to choose my attitude”

“running, a healthy body”

“my breath and how it can calm me down”

“the sun’s warmth”

I’m a firm believer that the thoughts we think manifest themselves in real life.  If I am mad I will find ways, situations, and people to feed this emotion. Likewise if I’m hopeful, excited, passionate, or happy I’ll unconsciously seek to reinforce these. Emotional addictions are powerful.  What type of emoitons am I addicted to?  What attitudes do I constantly seek out?  Am I focused on lack or abundance?  Instead of seeking out negative emotion I can seek out what is right with my world.  There is a lot to be grateful for.  Reflecting on blessings puts me in the right frame of mind – my perspective shifts and it feels good.

There is power in gratitude.  I have this power, you have this power we ALL have this power. What will I do with my blessings? I have a duty to give back too others.  I have a duty to give good emotion.  I have a duty to make the most of my blessings.  There is simply nothing else.  I give thanks everyday because I never want to loose touch with these duties.

 

Week In Review 2/4-2/10

Academic:

I’ve continued to lay the groundwork for acheiving my best possible this semester. The systems, routines, and study habits are all getting better.  Being proactive with scheduling: when and where I’ll complete assignments takes the anxiety out of studying and allows me to be present in whatever I’m doing now.

Personal:

I attended Michael McCarthy’s Sales and Public speaking course this past weekend. Public speaking is so fun to experiment with.  I’ve realized this is a huge weakness of mine.  In the short speech I was required to give I was taken through the massive rollercoaster of emoiton: nervous anticipation, debilitating stress right before walking up, talking flow state, then immediate relaxtion and gratitude afterwards.  The things we often need the most are the things we try to run away from.  On the otherside of fear is a breakthrough in personal abundance of opportunity.  These things felt real in that moment afterwards.  I need to find more ways to engage and cultivate this skill!

Atheltic:  Saturday afternoon I raced at Boston University on their indoor facility.  The crowd was electric, in a constant roar while hundreds of runners lined the infield warming up for their respective heats.  My previous personal best was 4:16 which I ran in highschool and then just recently matched in my first indoor meet at the Harvard Yale Princeton tri-meet 3 weeks ago.  I ran significantly better at BU: 4:12.75.  Though this is not fast by any means in Division I athletics (you essentially have to break 4 to even qualify for NCAA’s,) it is a good stepping stone for me.  I’m trying not to set limits on what I can and can’t run this season so throwing out a new time that I want to go after is irrelevant.  It was ecstacy to see a concrete improvement in my running ability since college.Out of 263 pages I was able to get through 252.

What worked: spending at least 30 minutes of undistracted reading each day/getting it done early in the morning

What did not work: trying to read and retain 5 pages here an there while in a bus or walking/waiting later in the day (when more tired and willpower drained) to read

My Morning Routine p.1

There is something beautful to me in establishing daily, reliable ways to get my mind and body right for the day.   While life is constantly in flux – school, friends, deadlines and athletics it is nice to know I have constants.  I love waking up early.  I make my bed, meditate for 10-20 minutes, take a cold shower, drink superfood juice, take my multi’s, jot down 3 things I’m grateful for, and reaffirm my short term and long term goals.

After this I read my weekly book of choice for 40 minutes (for better retainment I jot down things that pops out).  This engages my mind, gets me inspired, and starts my day off with a measurable goal.

While a morning routine means a lot to me, I am not dependent on it.  Trying to be perfect is ridiculous.  I simply try to set myself up for the best day I can have.  For the most part my morning routine doesn’t drain my willpower.  I’d eventually love to get to a point where doing harder tasks in the morning also expends little willpower.

For me, the morning is sacred.  It’s an opportunity to literally start fresh.

I get to choose my attitude, outlook, and entertain neat possibilities.  Will I focus on all the negative or seek the positive?

 

Meeting new people

After lunch today I had about 40 minutes to kill before a lab meeting.  I thought it’d be fun to go up to people ask how their day was then take a selfie with them.  From professors, to buisnessmen, to tourists, to classmates I met some cool people.  While the first approaches felt immensly awkward, weird, and embarrasing I forced myself to keep going and keep approaching.  It forced me out of my head and into the present moment. I felt so so happy after.  I’m glad I did it.  Stay posted for a short ~ 1 minute video on my YouTube channel in the next few days.

Love

Blake

 

 

Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Course Week 2

Every wednesday night from 5:30-9pm I help out with a mindfulness course at a local hospital.  In the process I’ve learned a lot about myself and where my blindspots are. When do I get angry? What do I let annoy me? When am I on a destructive thougth loop? What emotional addictions might I be having that I’m not conciously aware of? Am I judging myself? Am I outcome dependent? What am I doing in my day to day that is pulling myself and others down?  The self-discovery is extremly fun.  I’ve felt it working. As our wonderful teacher puts it “you are the data and the experimenter at the same time.  You are attempting to know yourself better and do so with an open mind.”

Here is a quote. Mary Oliver wrote it.  It’s about leaving behind what no longer matters and fully accepting the future.  It gives me chills everytime I read it.  Let me know what you think.

One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice — though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. “Mend my life!” each voice cried. But you didn’t stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voice behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do — determined to save the only life that you could save.